TICK TOCK

My body is on its own timer. The thoughts of her next surgery is killing me.OCT.19th Emery had her regular visit with her cardiologist it went well. She looks good. But  every month we see the doctor he reminds me surgery for Emery will be in Dec. or Jan.*i always think maybe there will be some chance, some miracle the doctor would say "oh everything looks good, looks like she doesn't need one for years to come lol* but i know that wont happen. So every month i am reminded of whats to come. Although this time around he told us it's preparation time. Time to prepare Emery for her next surgery. He put in the referral  for her to get an ECHO. This is the first step to get her ready for her surgery.

I find myself telling myself all the time "this isnt enough time" ......"i need more time" .....i want more time with my baby! to have her home....and to enjoy having her with are family. I am so sick of hospitals! *im sure most of you are reading this saying the same thing too* 

Is it okay for me to feel selfish sometimes?

I hope so.

The old feelings of being at that hospital and seeing my baby just ....there in the room, trying to fight for her life are all coming back.

I wish i didn't have to feel like that ever again. I know its for the best but i wish she didn't have to go through that again. Forget about the way i feel....my poor baby. she will only be 5 months next surgery time. i know she will never remember this but for the moment she will feel the worst. She will have to struggle to get to recovery. It breaks my heart. A heart mom at the hospital told me it gets easy after each surgery...but how is that possible! i wanted to tell her R YOU CRAZY!......i feel like its going to be harder this time around. I never had a chance after i had her to actually bond with my baby. I LOVED HER! but never felt that connection ....like building that trust with her. So when i think of her next surgery. I know this time will be harder.
Dont get me wrong it was hard going through her first surgery with her. Handing your baby *YOUR LIFE* off to a doctor is the hardest part. ugh! i dont know how we do it sometimes. 

She is already going to be 3months old so she smiles alot, she moves alot, coos and baby talks all the time. To not hear or see her do those things for the first 4 or 5 days are going to be so hard. so when the lady told me it gets easier......i don't think it does or will ever until she doesn't need anymore surgery's. 

EATING HER UP!

Little Emery is going to be 3 months on the 26th of October. She baby talks like crazy!...smiles all the time and drinks 4 to 6oz of milk every 3 hours. WOW! so amazed at how good she is doing. Sometimes i have to give myself a little reality check cause she acts as if she doesn't have a heart condition at all.

 DAILY ROUTINE

Wakes up at 5am has a 4oz bottle 

Goes back to sleep.

Wakes up at 10am has a 4oz bottle

goes to sleep for an hour or two

* mommy's time to take a shower*

12pm she has her MEDS. with a 4oz bottle

at 1pm she has TUMMY TIME

is awake till 3pm them she takes a 3 hour nap with her sister Layla

* mommy's time to get things done around the house or take a nap too*

5pm dinner time 6oz bottle

stays awake till bedtime 

bedtime for Emery and her sister Layla is 10pm 

sometimes before dinner time we go for a walk. 

*if its not too hot*

Emery you are such a good baby. Last week you discovered you have hands. Everyday since Monday you have been munching on them. It is sooooo sooo freakin cute. You get so into eating your hands that sometimes you make yourself choke. You drool a lot. Everyone keeps telling me maybe you could be teething but i think you are just too little to be going through that stage already. When i put you on my shoulder you are now holding your head up and trying to lift yourself up, you probably could keep yourself up for maybe 10 min., which i think is GREAT! here is a lil picture of you trying to eat Ur hand while sleeping lol

                  mommy just loves taking pictures of you!

whats been on my mind!

i must confess.
 Being pregnant with Emery was so not easy. Just knowing what was going on with her and knowing that there was nothing i could do to help her sucked....i just had to wait....wait until she was born to see what the outcome of her life was going to be. I was told by the doctor that most of these kids that had her heart defect don't live and if they did live it would be a very ruff road for her. They never gave me much hope for a positive outcome! so it left me always thinking about the "what if's, and the "why?"
IM SUCH A THINKER!That's just how i have always been..........
The worst feeling in the world is feeling as if you have no one. I had my husband to talk to about everything but he was going through the same emotional stages as i was. So i always kept quiet. Dont need to stress him out more.
 I just wish i had someone other then my husband to talk to. Another person who knows how it feels and understands what i am going through emotionally. I hid my real feelings inside most of the time. because when i do explain to family or friends how i am feeling or coping with things they never know what to say, or they always change the subject. I feel like im screaming at them for help from inside and its so obvious but they don't hear....I dont know maybe they need to clean there ears or something because i could hear the screams for help very clear and the screams of im dieing inside while giving them the look of cant you see!...if u cant hear cant u see on my face!.......but as i always do. i stop talking about everything and move on to the next subject because they obviously don't want to talk about this touchy subject. But this ...this is how it goes all the time. Every time i try and mention how i am feeling. I wish i just had someone to talk to about everything and them not feel uncomfortable.



thank goodness for blogs!at least i can vent and not be hushed up.