TICK TOCK

My body is on its own timer. The thoughts of her next surgery is killing me.OCT.19th Emery had her regular visit with her cardiologist it went well. She looks good. But  every month we see the doctor he reminds me surgery for Emery will be in Dec. or Jan.*i always think maybe there will be some chance, some miracle the doctor would say "oh everything looks good, looks like she doesn't need one for years to come lol* but i know that wont happen. So every month i am reminded of whats to come. Although this time around he told us it's preparation time. Time to prepare Emery for her next surgery. He put in the referral  for her to get an ECHO. This is the first step to get her ready for her surgery.

I find myself telling myself all the time "this isnt enough time" ......"i need more time" .....i want more time with my baby! to have her home....and to enjoy having her with are family. I am so sick of hospitals! *im sure most of you are reading this saying the same thing too* 

Is it okay for me to feel selfish sometimes?

I hope so.

The old feelings of being at that hospital and seeing my baby just ....there in the room, trying to fight for her life are all coming back.

I wish i didn't have to feel like that ever again. I know its for the best but i wish she didn't have to go through that again. Forget about the way i feel....my poor baby. she will only be 5 months next surgery time. i know she will never remember this but for the moment she will feel the worst. She will have to struggle to get to recovery. It breaks my heart. A heart mom at the hospital told me it gets easy after each surgery...but how is that possible! i wanted to tell her R YOU CRAZY!......i feel like its going to be harder this time around. I never had a chance after i had her to actually bond with my baby. I LOVED HER! but never felt that connection ....like building that trust with her. So when i think of her next surgery. I know this time will be harder.
Dont get me wrong it was hard going through her first surgery with her. Handing your baby *YOUR LIFE* off to a doctor is the hardest part. ugh! i dont know how we do it sometimes. 

She is already going to be 3months old so she smiles alot, she moves alot, coos and baby talks all the time. To not hear or see her do those things for the first 4 or 5 days are going to be so hard. so when the lady told me it gets easier......i don't think it does or will ever until she doesn't need anymore surgery's.