Sunday, November 27, 2011


The funny thing about anxiety is sometimes it can hit you like a train. with me it does this all the time. As Emery's next heart surgery coming up with in the next month or so, im feeling very panicky. Sometimes im not even thinking about it, something just triggers my mind and i find myself gasping for air. its almost as if im downing. it makes my whole body go numb. That's as best as i can describe how I feel when i think of the surgery coming up. Anxiety is the worst feeling ever. and i hate it!.....i hate that emery has to stay in the hospital for two weeks or more how ever long it takes her to recover from it. I hate that my oldest daughter her world will be turned upside down for a month. I'm feeling sorry for her because every morning i tell her BABY EMMIE IS AWAKE! daughter runs to my room clapping her hands, with the happyest look on her face saying BABY!BABY! and this just breaks my heart wondering if she is going to get really upset that her baby is gone. How am i going to get through this next surgery?

Thursday, November 24, 2011


Today is THANKSGIVING. I am thankful for having such a great guy in my life. My husband. He is so understanding, caring, and loving. I am thankful that god blessed me with two beautiful and amazing daughters.I am thankful that i have spent 4 wonderful months with my Emmie. * I thought i wouldn't even get that chance with her... from what doctors told me before she was born i wouldn't even get to spend minutes with her*. I am mostly thankful for the life i have, and thankful that god keeps are family strong and healthy through everything that has been going on.


Sunday, November 20, 2011

Happy B-Day Baby

To my little Layla

2 years ago today your daddy and me*mommy* were blessed with you. At 4:50pm i had you. You were 7 pounds 5oz and 20 inches long. I was in labor for 7 hours. ALL NATURAL!.... You have made your daddy and me very happy since the day you were born. We enjoy seeing you grow and learn new things every single day. Sometimes you can be a little monster but even in your monstrous moods we love you so much! I love when you hug me and give me kisses every single day. and when you fall and hurt yourself how you always want me to kiss your boo boos for you. and some how that make it all better. You can be very bossy and demanding sometimes. You are such a smart girl and have shown us that since the day you were born. Your very good at buttering mommy and daddy up to get what you want. But its okay, because just seeing you happy and smile when you get what you want makes us happy. Layla you are WORLD.....MY EVERYTHING!


Friday, November 18, 2011


On Thursday i took Emery to the ER at 12:30am because she was breathing a bit fast and she was very sweaty. Emery was getting checked in, the nurse was having a bit trouble getting her stats so  asked the other nurse if he could get a better reading then her. So as he was trying he started to ask me questions like
what kind of heart defect she has?
how old is she?
where was she born?
did she already have her next surgery?
I answered all of  them. Then he goes on to tell me a story about his daughter, how she pretty much had the same heart defect like Emery, and had her second heart surgery at 6 months. Then he stops and tells me she unfortunately passed away........I WAS SHOCKED. Now it wouldn't have bothered me if he didn't say it so rude and so bitter toward me. Almost as if he was upset at me that i still had my baby and he didnt. In my head i just asked myself WHY! IN the world would he tell me this story? You would think he knows how i feel with the next surgery creeping up and given the fact that i was in the ER worried about my Emery. Why would he say this to me? He told me after I'm sure he seen the look on my face he said "oh but now a days they have so much equipment and stuff to help them live"........
I know i shouldn't care what he or thinks but i just cant believe how some people can be so cold. Especially when your in the medical field!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

she has decided

So Layla my oldest daughter is turning 2 years old on November 20th. Last weekend i took her to pick out her B-day invitations. I gave her a choice of
Mini Mouse
Little Mermaid
Her choice was between Little Mermaid and Mini Mouse. But she decided to go with The Little Mermaid theme. So her b-day party is on sat. the 19th .....Last year it was raining like crazy, i am hoping this time it wont be. I have been googleing a lot of party ideas. I haven't bought any of the decorations yet. I know i am going to put a party together at the last minute. ugh! why do i do this to myself lol but Lets hope for no rain and an awsome b-day for the big 2 year old Layla!

Friday, November 11, 2011

stole this from another blog

Because i loved it so much. every time i am feeling a bit upset about Emery's condition, reading this just helps me. 
i got it from this blog

"I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo... David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland."


Little miss Emery started to do two new things this week. 
* she is holding her head up all on her own and can balance her self in a sit up position much better.
* she started to giggle and laugh today (which is the cutest thing)
She is only 3 months and two weeks old.
She is SUCH a talker. She LOVES eating her hands. 
I know i should try and stop that habit of hers but im thinking im just going to let her keep the habbit because when she's in the hospital for her next surgery they only let us use the hospital pacifiers and she doesn't like them so if she decides not to take the pacifier she is given then she can just use her hands. 

Emery has a big week starting Monday she will be given a special shot for the next 5 months to help her during the winter season. Fri the 18th she will have an ECHO done. Monday the 21st she will go in to see her cardiologist and then we will discuss the results on her ECHO and probably talk more about her up coming heart surgery. I so wish my little girl didn't have to go through all this but through all of this it amazes me how strong she is and she is such a happy girl. 


Tuesday, November 1, 2011


i meant to post yesterday but didn't get the chance to. layla had a blast carving pumpkins .... she calls them punckon. here is a picture of are pumpkins.
                       mommy, daddy,emery, and laylas.

my mom made all of us Tinkerbell costumes. which came out awesome! the hubby didn't want to dress up as peter pan.  but here are the costumes my mom made.