RECOVERING

Emery had her Glenn procedure yesterday. She is doing so well in recovery. This morning when i walked into her room i noticed she was off the vent. Then they asked me if i wanted to try and feed her. So i did. They also informed me that tomorrow she will be going into another room which will be a step down from the nicu. YAY!   Right now they are talking out her central line. oh ya drainage tubes and pacemaker wire are all off. 

She is so strong. I'm so proud to be her mother.

I know she will be okay. I know god will be holding her hand and guiding her through this heart surgery. I know she is strong......she is the strongest person i know. And i can't believe SHE IS MINE! I made this AMAZING LITTLE ANGEL ON EARTH!

Even though i know in my heart she will be okay.

I am still feeling sad.

Im sad that these next couple of days she is recovering from surgery i wont be able to see her smile and giggle as i tell her good morning like i do every morning when she wakes up. Im sad for her and her older sister Layla. That they have to be separated from each other. They absolutely adore each other.

 Im just sad right now over this whole situation. 

My heart feels heavy. 

2 DAYS LEFT

Until i will feel my heart being ripped from my body........the emotions you feel when you hand over your baby for surgery is just overwhelming. My anxiety is at the highest point its been at for awhile. Throughout the day i am trying to hold back my tears. All of this is seriously so hard for me because she looks so normal. She acts like nothing is wrong with her. To have to put her through another surgery is just breaking my heart. I find myself throwing one of those TERRIBLE 2's tantrums. Im angry,sad, and just very upset. THIS IS NOT FAIR! REALLY IT ISN'T!

.

STRENGTH --- I don't have one inch of it in my body today. I woke up crying...no i wasn't just crying i was bawling my eyes out. I finally broke down. I must of been crying in my sleep because when i woke up tears were falling down and i was out of breath. I don't know what i was dreaming about. So i don't really know what triggered this feeling of weakness.
Yesterday me and my dad took Emery to her appointment in LA. We have started getting her ready for her Glenn surgery. She had an EKG and X-RAY  done like i said.She had blood drawn from her because she was recently sick.Dr.Kallin said if anything showed up he would not do the surgery but most likely since it was weeks ago he doesn't think anything will show up so we don't have to worry. He had went through the procedure with us. He went through what a normal heart looks like and how it functions. Then he went on to explain what her heart looks like and how it functions. I sighed consent forms. We all laughed and said it was better this time around since i wasn't crying my eyes out. I was so strong through the whole thing. When i came home i had finally felt a sense of peace. I felt and knew everything was going to be okay. I even told myself "hey maybe this is going to be easy this time around" ..........BOY WAS I WRONG!
This isn't easy. Crying in my sleep and waking up to this feeling of weakness. This isn't going to be easy. How did i trick myself into thinking THIS WOULD BE EASY......Tricking myself into thinking I MIGHT.....be strong!
I AM SAD TODAY.
As the days get closer to Emery's surgery date..........i am feeling defeated once again. Im scared. Scared of the unknown. Having no control over this situation. I love my daughter so much. My heart hurts. I wish i could go through all of this for her...I seriously would do ANYTHING to go through all of this for her.

HAVE LEARNED SO MUCH

A year ago i had no idea what CHD was about. I had no idea that baby's ALL over the world are suffering and losing there life to this disease. I thought only old people had heart problems, but i didn't know a baby could be born with many heart defects. I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING.
I am so proud of myself. PROUD of what my daughter has taught me. A year ago if you asked me what kind of heart defect my daughter had i wasn't able to tell you. NOW i am able to explain to you perfectly what's wrong with her. Before all this... I hated the medical field, never understood why and how they are able to do what they do. Now i have a whole new prospective on it. I appreciate everyone in the medical field and look at them in a whole new way. Instead of ewwwing the stuff they do i am in complete amazement. So glad we have people to save Emery's life thanks to the knowledge they have. I am so glad we have surgeons,doctors, and nurses that gave up 8 - 20 years of their life to learn how to save life's. ALTHOUGH we have no cure for CHD i am thankful for the knowledge these people have. Thankful that these medical teams decided to specialist in helping kids with CHD. And for them trying to find a cure for it.