STRENGTH --- I don't have one inch of it in my body today. I woke up crying...no i wasn't just crying i was bawling my eyes out. I finally broke down. I must of been crying in my sleep because when i woke up tears were falling down and i was out of breath. I don't know what i was dreaming about. So i don't really know what triggered this feeling of weakness.
Yesterday me and my dad took Emery to her appointment in LA. We have started getting her ready for her Glenn surgery. She had an EKG and X-RAY done like i said.She had blood drawn from her because she was recently sick.Dr.Kallin said if anything showed up he would not do the surgery but most likely since it was weeks ago he doesn't think anything will show up so we don't have to worry. He had went through the procedure with us. He went through what a normal heart looks like and how it functions. Then he went on to explain what her heart looks like and how it functions. I sighed consent forms. We all laughed and said it was better this time around since i wasn't crying my eyes out. I was so strong through the whole thing. When i came home i had finally felt a sense of peace. I felt and knew everything was going to be okay. I even told myself "hey maybe this is going to be easy this time around" ..........BOY WAS I WRONG!
This isn't easy. Crying in my sleep and waking up to this feeling of weakness. This isn't going to be easy. How did i trick myself into thinking THIS WOULD BE EASY......Tricking myself into thinking I MIGHT.....be strong!
I AM SAD TODAY.
As the days get closer to Emery's surgery date..........i am feeling defeated once again. Im scared. Scared of the unknown. Having no control over this situation. I love my daughter so much. My heart hurts. I wish i could go through all of this for her...I seriously would do ANYTHING to go through all of this for her.