BAD BLOGGER!

Yup! It has been a really REALLY long time since i have blogged. Alot has been going on. We celebrated Emerys 1st birthday, crawling, and She is now eating table food and doing AWSOME at it. I call her my little piggie...she seriously eats and wants EVERYTHING!. To see her reach all these milestones is just simply a blessing. I want to cry everytime she learns something new because i think back on what i was told and remember those feelings and thoughts i had that i would never get to see her do all these things. And here we are 1 year later........she is doing fantastic! so proud of my baby girl. Here are some of Emery's 1 year pictures.

*The wonderful Kimberly at TRUE EMOTIONS PHOTOGRAGHY donated her time and talet to capture this special moment for us*

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I don't know this family, or what happened to there little girl. But ever since i was little i have always felt like me and this family are connected in some way.

My grandma's spot is just across the way from this sweet baby girls place. How i stumbled across this head stone was at my grandmas burial......

I remember that day my mom and i decided to take a look at other head stones just before we left to head home. This was one of the stones we stopped to look at. At the time i think i was around 8 years old. I remember my mom saying " this one was just a baby"..... i couldn't understand how come a baby had died! I didn't understand how god allowed things like that to happen.

Ever since i came across this little girl......i can't help but still think about her. I hold her close to my hear..... because i know what it is like to almost lose a child. Every time i visit my grandmas place, i cross the way to visit this baby girl.

I wonder what happened to Melyssa......I wonder....

How her family is holding up since her passing. 

what kind of journey did her family live while she was here with them on earth. 

was she born with a heart defect? is that why i cant help but feel so close to her even though i don't know this baby or her family. 

Even though my daughter is living......she is still sick. She is living with a life threatening disease and i dont know what the future holds for her. 

I can't help but feel maybe god wants me to meet this family. Her B-day is coming up. I will be decorating her grave for her b-day. I am going to write her parents a little note with the flowers i will giving her. I hope Melyssa is watching over my daughter. I think this whole time god is just letting me know who my family's guardian Angel is.  :)

RIP SWEET ANGEL

I HOPE YOU ARE HAVING A BLAST WITH JESUS <3

Last night i decided to put Emery in her walker for the very first time. I love this walker. We got it for Layla *Emery's sister* and decided to save it for the next baby we had. 

As i put her in the walker.....i couldn't help myself but get really emotional. This moment meant so much to me. I started to remember back when i was 4 months pregnant with her and they had diagnosed her with CHD. I remember my mom, husband, and me went to my ultrasound they scheduled me in Los Angeles to confirm she did have a heart condition. after the ultrasound they sent us into this room and closed the door. there they had told us the bad news. I really couldn't believe it......i actually thought nothing would be wrong with Emery. I guess i was in denial about the whole thing still ......couldn't believe that this was happening to me and my husband. As they were telling us about her heart condition, drawing us pictures, giving us a percentage of kids that live after birth and how many die after the first surgery. My mind was racing with thoughts and i seriously couldn't breath. I couldn't help but feel this was all my fault. i felt guilty for wanting another child. because i wanted another child she has to go through this. One of the other thoughts that came to me was.......all the baby clothes i saved for this baby and the stroller.....the walker.....these things i was so excited to pull out for this baby. I remember coming home and looking at the crib that was still up just waiting for her to arrive. All these things i thought i would never get a chance to see this baby......MY EMERY in. So as i put her in that walker. I felt so blessed. blessed to be able to get this chance to put her in that walker and see her smile. So happy i have been blessed with 9 months with her and  many more to come. This moment i will cherish. I love her with all my heart<3

NEW POST

Were do i start........Emery has finally recovered from her heart surgery and my little heart warrior is back to her old self. After being in the hospital for 4 days she was doing so well they discharged us and we were able to go home with her. The first three weeks were hard. She was in pain, super fussy, and crying pretty much all the time. It was ruff for her and us but we got through it. She is seriously one tuff cookie. Recently she has had a ultrasound done and her cardiologist said he heart is functioning just like it should be. 

I have been neglecting my blog. So sorry. I am mostly busy keeping her facebook updated. Emery has the best facebook family EVER! We love all of them to pieces. I am so busy with making blankets for kids that are sick and who are in the hospital. Here are a few of blankets i have made

                                                                          BELLA

                       
                                                                       CAMDEN

                                     
                                                                        SAMUEL

I have a few i am working on at the moment. So this is why writing is the last thing on my mind. I will try and get better at it. 

Recently i have stopped to visit my grandmas grave. My oldest was at her grandmas house so i was able to stop by for a visit with Emery. She passed away when i was really young but her passing was hard on me. I miss her so much. I only hope that i she is looking down on me feeling proud of me. I broke down crying to her and had a good talk with her. I know she could hear me when i spoke to her. I know she is guiding me through all of this right next to god. <3 

RECOVERING

Emery had her Glenn procedure yesterday. She is doing so well in recovery. This morning when i walked into her room i noticed she was off the vent. Then they asked me if i wanted to try and feed her. So i did. They also informed me that tomorrow she will be going into another room which will be a step down from the nicu. YAY!   Right now they are talking out her central line. oh ya drainage tubes and pacemaker wire are all off. 

She is so strong. I'm so proud to be her mother.

I know she will be okay. I know god will be holding her hand and guiding her through this heart surgery. I know she is strong......she is the strongest person i know. And i can't believe SHE IS MINE! I made this AMAZING LITTLE ANGEL ON EARTH!

Even though i know in my heart she will be okay.

I am still feeling sad.

Im sad that these next couple of days she is recovering from surgery i wont be able to see her smile and giggle as i tell her good morning like i do every morning when she wakes up. Im sad for her and her older sister Layla. That they have to be separated from each other. They absolutely adore each other.

 Im just sad right now over this whole situation. 

My heart feels heavy. 

2 DAYS LEFT

Until i will feel my heart being ripped from my body........the emotions you feel when you hand over your baby for surgery is just overwhelming. My anxiety is at the highest point its been at for awhile. Throughout the day i am trying to hold back my tears. All of this is seriously so hard for me because she looks so normal. She acts like nothing is wrong with her. To have to put her through another surgery is just breaking my heart. I find myself throwing one of those TERRIBLE 2's tantrums. Im angry,sad, and just very upset. THIS IS NOT FAIR! REALLY IT ISN'T!

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STRENGTH --- I don't have one inch of it in my body today. I woke up crying...no i wasn't just crying i was bawling my eyes out. I finally broke down. I must of been crying in my sleep because when i woke up tears were falling down and i was out of breath. I don't know what i was dreaming about. So i don't really know what triggered this feeling of weakness.
Yesterday me and my dad took Emery to her appointment in LA. We have started getting her ready for her Glenn surgery. She had an EKG and X-RAY  done like i said.She had blood drawn from her because she was recently sick.Dr.Kallin said if anything showed up he would not do the surgery but most likely since it was weeks ago he doesn't think anything will show up so we don't have to worry. He had went through the procedure with us. He went through what a normal heart looks like and how it functions. Then he went on to explain what her heart looks like and how it functions. I sighed consent forms. We all laughed and said it was better this time around since i wasn't crying my eyes out. I was so strong through the whole thing. When i came home i had finally felt a sense of peace. I felt and knew everything was going to be okay. I even told myself "hey maybe this is going to be easy this time around" ..........BOY WAS I WRONG!
This isn't easy. Crying in my sleep and waking up to this feeling of weakness. This isn't going to be easy. How did i trick myself into thinking THIS WOULD BE EASY......Tricking myself into thinking I MIGHT.....be strong!
I AM SAD TODAY.
As the days get closer to Emery's surgery date..........i am feeling defeated once again. Im scared. Scared of the unknown. Having no control over this situation. I love my daughter so much. My heart hurts. I wish i could go through all of this for her...I seriously would do ANYTHING to go through all of this for her.

HAVE LEARNED SO MUCH

A year ago i had no idea what CHD was about. I had no idea that baby's ALL over the world are suffering and losing there life to this disease. I thought only old people had heart problems, but i didn't know a baby could be born with many heart defects. I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING.
I am so proud of myself. PROUD of what my daughter has taught me. A year ago if you asked me what kind of heart defect my daughter had i wasn't able to tell you. NOW i am able to explain to you perfectly what's wrong with her. Before all this... I hated the medical field, never understood why and how they are able to do what they do. Now i have a whole new prospective on it. I appreciate everyone in the medical field and look at them in a whole new way. Instead of ewwwing the stuff they do i am in complete amazement. So glad we have people to save Emery's life thanks to the knowledge they have. I am so glad we have surgeons,doctors, and nurses that gave up 8 - 20 years of their life to learn how to save life's. ALTHOUGH we have no cure for CHD i am thankful for the knowledge these people have. Thankful that these medical teams decided to specialist in helping kids with CHD. And for them trying to find a cure for it.

GOT THE CALL

We have a meeting with her surgeon on feb. 9th
*He will be going through what he will be doing on surgery day. Either going in the heart or just operating outside of the heart. We will also be sighing consent forms. She will have an ECHO done, as well as an X-RAY

Pre Op. will be on feb.21
* check-in at children hospital in LA. They will be doing a physical on her. Taking blood from her and testing it.

OPERATION DAY FEB.22 Is Emery's surgery day.
* She will be having the GLENN procedure done. It will be a 6 hour surgery. After one hour of being out and once she is stable we will be able to see her and hang out with her.


How am i feeling about all this?
Well i am a wreck. of course. I'm super nervious,...scared, excited.
Ya im excited can you believe it!lol I'm excited because we will be able to have a break away from hospitals. and no more surgery's until she is 3. it will just be nice not having to worry when the next one will be.

*Well like i said i wont be keeping daily and hourly updates on here i will be on her FB at Emerysheart.you can click on the link below.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Emerys-Heart/313601618668448

STILL WAITING....but this is what emery has been up to

Yup....still waiting for the phone call. I did get a phone call from her cardiologist on monday saying that i should be getting the call very soon if not later that day it would be sometime in the week. So here i am waiting, im sure they will call fri...... or when i least expecting it.

Emery has been really talkative.I swear she says mamma! Emery and her sister totally have conversations with each other. I haven't caught it on video yet but i will soon. It is so funny. It is just so cute how much they  love each other. They always look like they can't wait to be able to play with each other. Emery's now eating baby cerial and baby food. I am always surprised at how much that lil tummy of hers can handle eating. She loves apples, carrots, cerial.....she hates bananas. We just got her a bumbo and she loves it. I plan on taking it with us to the hospital cause she does not like to be laying down. I NEED to go shopping for Emery and get her some clothes she can wear in the hospital. He first surgery i hated seeing her with nothing on her. they always had to put the heater on her and poor baby's face would be red like a tomato lol ......But i didnt now what to expect and i didnt know what we would be able to take and give to her for her hospital stay. But this time im so prepared to help my baby feel like she is at home. :)

P.S for all who want to get daily updates on Emery when she is in the hospital please join us on her facebook page Emerys Heart http://www.facebook.com/pages/Emerys-Heart/313601618668448?sk=wall