HAPPY NEW YEARS!

I just know this year is going to be better for me and my family. goodbye 2011 and HELLO 2012. I am going to try and be a stronger person. I am going to try not to stress about the little things and start enjoying the little things again. I have my family with me and that's all that should matter. so ready for the new years and the change it brings......HELLO TO MY NEW LIFE. MY NEW NORMAL.

THE CALL

I should be getting it this week. Emery's heart surgery will be very soon. I don't think im ready for it. but weather i am or not ....its coming. I am going to be a complete mess. I freak out just thinking about it. i feel like i cant breath....my heart just drops. How am i going to go through another one of these? and even after this one.....there is still one more and i feel like im already dieing. I am trying to find ways to not think about it. I guess deep down i just really thought and was hoping i would have more time after the first surgery.
My daughter is so strong. I know she is and i know she is ready to fight this thing again. I.......I am not ready to see her fight for her life again......im not ready to see her sedated and not be able hear her voice and see her open her eyes for a week which seems like eternity. i hate having no control over this situation.

BEST GIFT

I am so glad that i  was able to spend the holidays with my Emery home. It is the best gift in the world. I thought we were going spend these holidays in the hospital, separated from are Layla, and while Emery would be fighting for her life. So glad they waited to do her next surgery after the holidays. My baby is home and i am the happiest mom ever! My family is together. this is THE BEST GIFT!

Merry Christmas 

Love the 

Zamora Family

PICTURE TIME

I wanted to take family pictures before Emery  has her second heart surgery next month. My oldest daughter was such a pain in the butt while taking these pictures but i am so glad the photographer was amazingly patient with her. she made her laugh,.... so she was able to get a few good ones in.

YUM...yum...FOR MY TUMMY

Today i thought since Emery will be going on 5 months on the 26th i should start her on baby cereal. I know im starting her a bit late on it, but i thought i should wait until she was a little older. I think i was more afraid thinking she couldn't handle it cause she is just so tiny and she does this thing a lot were she chokes on her spit. She had no problem eating......she is a natural. She ate 1 oz of formula mixed with the baby cereal and w/ 3oz bottle. At first she looked at me like mamma what the heck is this lol but then she loved it and finished it ALL! luckily i was able to snap a few pictures of her eating 

yum!

can you tell by the look on her face she was IN LOVE! 

BREATH IN .....BREATH OUT

Emery just went into the cath. lab about 20 min ago. It was so hard to watch her get sedated. As she was fighting back i could just feel my body inside fight too. ugh! i really just wanted to pick her up and run out. All this is so new to me. I hate not knowing what to ever expect. I always think this is the stuff you only see on TV. The way the room was set up and the way the doctors were talking to each other was so scary and nerve wrecking.
I am so sorry Emery that you have to go through this. Your whole team of doctors and nurses kept saying you are such a cute and happy baby. I am so proud to be you mommy. you are so strong and only 4 months old. i love you with all my heart. and though im not there with you in person. im always in your heart. you are my daughter...mommys never leave there children. muah!

HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME WITH THIS

Me and Emery are home from her pre op. appointment that was in LA. I had consent forms to sign so they can do a cardio cath. procedure on her on dec. 20th. Then he went through the whole procedure with me and told me all the risk that are involved. I KNOW its only 1% chance of any of those risk happening but just knowing IT CAN happen is was scares me.

I really hate this. I hate that i have no control over this and no choice but to put her through all of this. I dont think i will ever accept that my daughter has a life threatening health problem,... i will always get angry, sad, and have so many unanswered questions..... and i hate that. I hate that i will always ask why? why her? why us?. It's hard to think or even talking about her having to go through all of this. She is so little and shouldn't have to. I know all i can do is try to learn how to cope and live with this journey my family was given. I also know that god is right there guiding Emery through this every step of the way. 

so glad he is in are life!

LITTLE EMERY!

Little girl you are so loved by so many. So here we are you are 4 months old AND soooo freakin cute i must say. I love when i wake you up you are all smiles as i tell you good morning.you are learning you have a voice.You are humming a lot now. at times i think you say mum. i seriously try and get you to say mamma so hopefully that will be your first word you say but will see. You scream a lot but its cute because its always followed by a giggle. you have better hand movement, now whenever we feed you you reach your hands out to touch our face. you notice your sister a lot more now and whenever she is near you you giggle and smile. your sister is a wild one and i know she cant wait till you get big enough to be able to play with her.
your next heart surgery is in January. I know you are a tuff cookie you have showed us this since you were in my belly. growing just as big as the other baby's your age. I am just so proud to be your mother and im glad i was the lucky one to be chosen to be your mother. i love you baby

                                                        HAPPY 4 MONTH


MOMMY AND DADDY ARE  LOOKING FORWARD TO MANY MORE MONTHS AND YEARS SPENDING WITH YOU AND SEEING YOU GROW!

ANXIETY

The funny thing about anxiety is sometimes it can hit you like a train. with me it does this all the time. As Emery's next heart surgery coming up with in the next month or so, im feeling very panicky. Sometimes im not even thinking about it, something just triggers my mind and i find myself gasping for air. its almost as if im downing. it makes my whole body go numb. That's as best as i can describe how I feel when i think of the surgery coming up. Anxiety is the worst feeling ever. and i hate it!.....i hate that emery has to stay in the hospital for two weeks or more how ever long it takes her to recover from it. I hate that my oldest daughter her world will be turned upside down for a month. I'm feeling sorry for her because every morning i tell her BABY EMMIE IS AWAKE!....my daughter runs to my room clapping her hands, with the happyest look on her face saying BABY!BABY! and this just breaks my heart wondering if she is going to get really upset that her baby is gone. How am i going to get through this next surgery?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Today is THANKSGIVING. I am thankful for having such a great guy in my life. My husband. He is so understanding, caring, and loving. I am thankful that god blessed me with two beautiful and amazing daughters.I am thankful that i have spent 4 wonderful months with my Emmie. * I thought i wouldn't even get that chance with her... from what doctors told me before she was born i wouldn't even get to spend minutes with her*. I am mostly thankful for the life i have, and thankful that god keeps are family strong and healthy through everything that has been going on.


HAPPY THANKSGIVING 

Happy B-Day Baby

To my little Layla

2 years ago today your daddy and me*mommy* were blessed with you. At 4:50pm i had you. You were 7 pounds 5oz and 20 inches long. I was in labor for 7 hours. ALL NATURAL!.... You have made your daddy and me very happy since the day you were born. We enjoy seeing you grow and learn new things every single day. Sometimes you can be a little monster but even in your monstrous moods we love you so much! I love when you hug me and give me kisses every single day. and when you fall and hurt yourself how you always want me to kiss your boo boos for you. and some how that make it all better. You can be very bossy and demanding sometimes. You are such a smart girl and have shown us that since the day you were born. Your very good at buttering mommy and daddy up to get what you want. But its okay, because just seeing you happy and smile when you get what you want makes us happy. Layla you are .....my HEART......my WORLD.....MY EVERYTHING!

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! HAPPY SECOND B-DAY  AND I HOPE YOU HAD A BLAST AT YOUR B-DAY PARTY!

A BIT BOTHERD

On Thursday i took Emery to the ER at 12:30am because she was breathing a bit fast and she was very sweaty. Emery was getting checked in, the nurse was having a bit trouble getting her stats so  asked the other nurse if he could get a better reading then her. So as he was trying he started to ask me questions like
what kind of heart defect she has?
how old is she?
where was she born?
did she already have her next surgery?
I answered all of  them. Then he goes on to tell me a story about his daughter, how she pretty much had the same heart defect like Emery, and had her second heart surgery at 6 months. Then he stops and tells me she unfortunately passed away........I WAS SHOCKED. Now it wouldn't have bothered me if he didn't say it so rude and so bitter toward me. Almost as if he was upset at me that i still had my baby and he didnt. In my head i just asked myself WHY! IN the world would he tell me this story? You would think he knows how i feel with the next surgery creeping up and given the fact that i was in the ER worried about my Emery. Why would he say this to me? He told me after I'm sure he seen the look on my face he said "oh but now a days they have so much equipment and stuff to help them live"........
I know i shouldn't care what he or thinks but i just cant believe how some people can be so cold. Especially when your in the medical field!

she has decided

So Layla my oldest daughter is turning 2 years old on November 20th. Last weekend i took her to pick out her B-day invitations. I gave her a choice of
Dora
Mini Mouse
Puppy's
Little Mermaid
Her choice was between Little Mermaid and Mini Mouse. But she decided to go with The Little Mermaid theme. So her b-day party is on sat. the 19th .....Last year it was raining like crazy, i am hoping this time it wont be. I have been googleing a lot of party ideas. I haven't bought any of the decorations yet. I know i am going to put a party together at the last minute. ugh! why do i do this to myself lol but Lets hope for no rain and an awsome b-day for the big 2 year old Layla!

stole this from another blog

Because i loved it so much. every time i am feeling a bit upset about Emery's condition, reading this just helps me. 

i got it from this blog http://gracelynsstory.blogspot.com

"I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo... David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland."

.

Little miss Emery started to do two new things this week. 

* she is holding her head up all on her own and can balance her self in a sit up position much better.

* she started to giggle and laugh today (which is the cutest thing)

She is only 3 months and two weeks old.

She is SUCH a talker. She LOVES eating her hands. 

I know i should try and stop that habit of hers but im thinking im just going to let her keep the habbit because when she's in the hospital for her next surgery they only let us use the hospital pacifiers and she doesn't like them so if she decides not to take the pacifier she is given then she can just use her hands. 

Emery has a big week starting Monday she will be given a special shot for the next 5 months to help her during the winter season. Fri the 18th she will have an ECHO done. Monday the 21st she will go in to see her cardiologist and then we will discuss the results on her ECHO and probably talk more about her up coming heart surgery. I so wish my little girl didn't have to go through all this but through all of this it amazes me how strong she is and she is such a happy girl. 

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MY LIL EMMIE!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

i meant to post yesterday but didn't get the chance to. layla had a blast carving pumpkins .... she calls them punckon. here is a picture of are pumpkins.

                       mommy, daddy,emery, and laylas.

my mom made all of us Tinkerbell costumes. which came out awesome! the hubby didn't want to dress up as peter pan.  but here are the costumes my mom made.

         I HOPE EVERYONE HAD A GOOD HALLOWEEN.

TICK TOCK

My body is on its own timer. The thoughts of her next surgery is killing me.OCT.19th Emery had her regular visit with her cardiologist it went well. She looks good. But  every month we see the doctor he reminds me surgery for Emery will be in Dec. or Jan.*i always think maybe there will be some chance, some miracle the doctor would say "oh everything looks good, looks like she doesn't need one for years to come lol* but i know that wont happen. So every month i am reminded of whats to come. Although this time around he told us it's preparation time. Time to prepare Emery for her next surgery. He put in the referral  for her to get an ECHO. This is the first step to get her ready for her surgery.

I find myself telling myself all the time "this isnt enough time" ......"i need more time" .....i want more time with my baby! to have her home....and to enjoy having her with are family. I am so sick of hospitals! *im sure most of you are reading this saying the same thing too* 

Is it okay for me to feel selfish sometimes?

I hope so.

The old feelings of being at that hospital and seeing my baby just ....there in the room, trying to fight for her life are all coming back.

I wish i didn't have to feel like that ever again. I know its for the best but i wish she didn't have to go through that again. Forget about the way i feel....my poor baby. she will only be 5 months next surgery time. i know she will never remember this but for the moment she will feel the worst. She will have to struggle to get to recovery. It breaks my heart. A heart mom at the hospital told me it gets easy after each surgery...but how is that possible! i wanted to tell her R YOU CRAZY!......i feel like its going to be harder this time around. I never had a chance after i had her to actually bond with my baby. I LOVED HER! but never felt that connection ....like building that trust with her. So when i think of her next surgery. I know this time will be harder.
Dont get me wrong it was hard going through her first surgery with her. Handing your baby *YOUR LIFE* off to a doctor is the hardest part. ugh! i dont know how we do it sometimes. 

She is already going to be 3months old so she smiles alot, she moves alot, coos and baby talks all the time. To not hear or see her do those things for the first 4 or 5 days are going to be so hard. so when the lady told me it gets easier......i don't think it does or will ever until she doesn't need anymore surgery's. 

EATING HER UP!

Little Emery is going to be 3 months on the 26th of October. She baby talks like crazy!...smiles all the time and drinks 4 to 6oz of milk every 3 hours. WOW! so amazed at how good she is doing. Sometimes i have to give myself a little reality check cause she acts as if she doesn't have a heart condition at all.

 DAILY ROUTINE

Wakes up at 5am has a 4oz bottle 

Goes back to sleep.

Wakes up at 10am has a 4oz bottle

goes to sleep for an hour or two

* mommy's time to take a shower*

12pm she has her MEDS. with a 4oz bottle

at 1pm she has TUMMY TIME

is awake till 3pm them she takes a 3 hour nap with her sister Layla

* mommy's time to get things done around the house or take a nap too*

5pm dinner time 6oz bottle

stays awake till bedtime 

bedtime for Emery and her sister Layla is 10pm 

sometimes before dinner time we go for a walk. 

*if its not too hot*

Emery you are such a good baby. Last week you discovered you have hands. Everyday since Monday you have been munching on them. It is sooooo sooo freakin cute. You get so into eating your hands that sometimes you make yourself choke. You drool a lot. Everyone keeps telling me maybe you could be teething but i think you are just too little to be going through that stage already. When i put you on my shoulder you are now holding your head up and trying to lift yourself up, you probably could keep yourself up for maybe 10 min., which i think is GREAT! here is a lil picture of you trying to eat Ur hand while sleeping lol

                  mommy just loves taking pictures of you!

whats been on my mind!

i must confess.
 Being pregnant with Emery was so not easy. Just knowing what was going on with her and knowing that there was nothing i could do to help her sucked....i just had to wait....wait until she was born to see what the outcome of her life was going to be. I was told by the doctor that most of these kids that had her heart defect don't live and if they did live it would be a very ruff road for her. They never gave me much hope for a positive outcome! so it left me always thinking about the "what if's, and the "why?"
IM SUCH A THINKER!That's just how i have always been..........
The worst feeling in the world is feeling as if you have no one. I had my husband to talk to about everything but he was going through the same emotional stages as i was. So i always kept quiet. Dont need to stress him out more.
 I just wish i had someone other then my husband to talk to. Another person who knows how it feels and understands what i am going through emotionally. I hid my real feelings inside most of the time. because when i do explain to family or friends how i am feeling or coping with things they never know what to say, or they always change the subject. I feel like im screaming at them for help from inside and its so obvious but they don't hear....I dont know maybe they need to clean there ears or something because i could hear the screams for help very clear and the screams of im dieing inside while giving them the look of cant you see!...if u cant hear cant u see on my face!.......but as i always do. i stop talking about everything and move on to the next subject because they obviously don't want to talk about this touchy subject. But this ...this is how it goes all the time. Every time i try and mention how i am feeling. I wish i just had someone to talk to about everything and them not feel uncomfortable.



thank goodness for blogs!at least i can vent and not be hushed up.

She is such a funny lil girl!

This lil girl makes me crack up so much! she never leaves my side.Whenever she is sleeping near me she just loves to hold my hand. I cant imagine my life without her. When i try and go somewhere with out her she crys and makes me feel bad, so i always end up taking her with me. She is such a crazy lil butt! She will be 2 YEARS OLD in November....WOW! time has flown by so quick. I cant even look at her baby pictures because it make me so sad how fast she has grown. I am so excited to see what kind of person she will become....and what her dreams in life are going to be. I have always made a promise to myself that if i ever had kids i will always support them and be there for them 100%. I am already proud of the person that she has become. she is so smart and loves to share with other kiddos. she is a very loving person. always giving hugs and kisses. I LOVE HER SO MUCH!
So since she will be 2 years old it's really exciting planning a b-day party for her because first off she is able to walk, second off she will be able to open her own presents, and third she is going to be so much more excited about her b-day party this time around. So this makes me so much more excited to throw one for her. I am trying to choose what party theme she would love. She loves Thomas and friends, strawberry shortcake, and  yo gabba gabba. I'm going to see if she will be able to pick which one she wants herself but will see how that turns out.

oh baby! momma is so sad you are turning TWO but so very excited. I love you always and forever! MY LOVE!

2 month pictures

I HAD NO MAKE UP ON AND CHIPPED NAIL POLISH ON MY NAILS BUT THE LADY PROMISED ME I WOULD LOVE THIS PICTURE.......GUESS WHAT...I DID! DIDN'T EVEN SECOND GUESS MYSELF IF I SHOULD BUY IT OR NOT.  LOL

Need to get my routine going

Ismael*the hubby* will be going back to work on Monday Oct.3rd. He took a long family leave for the baby's arrival and her surgery. Hes been off work for about three months now. sheesh! where has the time gone?...i feel like we were just talking about how much time he was going to be taking off for the baby. He really has been such a good helper... i hate to admit it but i have been a bit lazy. Pretty much letting him do all the work hahaha BUT hey mamma needs a vacation too!. I really need to get back into my old routine again starting this week. I am kind of nervous to be taking care of two baby's. Ever since the baby has been born Layla has been wanting someone to play with her all the time. looks like ill be trying to figure out how to give Layla some time with mommy and Emery time with mommy. How hard could it be....right? well wish me luck!

Team Emery!

yesterday my uncle came to my home. He was asking me about Emery's surgery and how she is recovering. I also was telling him about how she was going to need two more heart surgery's before she turns three years old and whats funny is he asked me how i do it? how i get through it?...he also said he wouldn't know what to do if he had to see his child go through something like what emery has to go through. But you know what.....i started to think about the time i was pregnant with Emery after they told me what was wrong with her and the things what she will need to endure after she is born i found myself asking the same questions. How will i get through this?! how will i do this?! I don't know what to do...i felt like i would just die if i had to go through this and see my baby struggling! i guess someone doesn't really know how strong they are until they have no choice but to go through something like this. and you know what i look back *even though she will need two more surgery's* i look back and i am so proud of myself and proud of my baby. I'm proud that we are such a strong family. .....YEA I HAD LOTS OF MELT DOWNS, but we are strong! :) i know we can get through the next two just fine.

                                                    GO TEAM EMERY!

baby blues!

so sometimes i cant help but feel a little sad. Its like i get a rush of sadness come over me. idk why! ......i know i should be happy and feeling blessed that everything turned out good with lil Emery, but sometimes i just look at her while she is sleeping or when she looks at me smiling i find myself counting the months and days till her next surgery. i feel like we are on this time limit with her. i just want to know she is home for good and no more hospitals! Im really dreading her next surgery! i dont want to see her tubed and wired from head to toe....no one should have to see there baby struggling.

Sometimes i guess i just have to tell myself i will get through this. She is a lil tuff girl and can get through anything. I wish i was strong like her! i love you emery!

Dr. appointment

Monday Emery has a doctors appointment. I've got a couple of questions i need to ask him cause i have a couple concerns. Im so nervous about having a new doctor for Emerys check ups. I wish i could just take her to LA to see her doctor out there. But with her condition and her trying to recover still from the first surgery i understand why i cant. From were i live its a 2 hour drive with traffic. so hopefully i get a good vibe from this new cardiologist or else i will be making the 2 hour drive. wish us luck.

WANTED TO POST SOME PICTURES TODAY

 LITTLE EMERY

 LITTLE LAYLA

MOMMY,LAYLA,AND EMERY

Dear Grandma

I understand your getting older and i know what happens when someone becomes your age. I know your sick. I seen it in your eyes last night when i went to go visit you in the hospital. Everyone is not telling me how sick you are because they are worried it might stress me out more if i knew how bad it was. but no one has to tell me. I know its bad.......grandma i am not ready to say goodbye to you. Im afraid of missing you and not being able to see you again. Im sorry for being so selfish and not visiting you when i had time to go visit you. and im sorry i have never told you how much you mean to me. I hope you will get out of the hospital soon and go back to ur normal self feeling strong and walking. oh grandma I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!

wiggle worm

so last night we stood the night at my mothers house. Emery was sleeping in her crib, me and my daughter Layla had slept on the bed that is next to the crib(boy let me tell you that girl Layla is such a wild sleeper), and my husband well we scooted him off the bed to my mothers couch. my sister came home from a night out and came home around 2am and woke us up saying Emery was on her stomach my heart just POUNDED. we never put are kids to sleep on there stomachs or sides. for naps or when they go to bed they are always on there backs......my husband had just checked on her(i know this cause i woke up too and i seen him near her crib) so when my sister told us this we were like WHAT!...feeling so confused. i think we were both just half awake but my husband jumped up off the couch and walked up to are baby girl my heart dropped i felt like it was going to pop right out of my chest. i seriously thought she might not be breathing and thought what would i do!...you know i have been reading these blogs about family's who have sick kids or who are grieving a child from kids who have drowned,  died from SIDS, or like i said from having health problems and its just crazy how my life could have changed just like there's in an instant she could have been gone no matter how cautious parents we are. but he picked her up and god i am so blessed, happy and relieved she was okay. we are just so thankful for my sister checking up on emery before she goes to sleep. I just think if she wouldn't of done that today would have been a different day. now i feel like im even more scared to go to sleep then ever. worried my little wiggle worm will turn over again.

Inspired!

Its September 10, 2011 and im feeling inspired by all the family's on this thing. I've read a few blogs about family's who have children with health problems and who are grieving a child. I want to thank them for being so open. In some way it helps me deal with the ups and downs and stress that i have been in lately. my daughter Emery has a heart defect. (HRHS,VSD,and ASD) she needs three heart surgerys before she turns 3 years of age.Ive known this since i was 4 months pregnant. she was born july 26,2011 and right away she had her first surgery on Aug.10th. which went very well and now is doing good at home.The second one needs to be when she is 5 to 6 months of age. the last one will be anytime before she turns 3. the past two weeks i have been feeling inspired by some of these family's that have opened up there lives to everyone, also for letting us join there emotional journey they are in. since these blogs have helped me i thought maybe i can help someone too with my story. so here i am ready to let anyone in on the ride. don't know what the outcome will be but all i know is this may be the best way for me to learn how to deal with my situation. from now on i will blog every feeling, thought.....good or bad on this thing. have to warn you guys not very good at spelling or writing  but i will try my best.